Iowahawk for President
Forget that empty suit Obama or that rhino McCain, Iowahawk is the kind of President a guy like me can get behind!
High Energy Prices
As the only remaining viable presidential candidate with a bitchin’ hot rod, I know all too well the “pinch at the pump” that has affected so many American motorists. Basic Economistry 101 tells us that prices are a function of “supply” and “demand.” Drilling and exploration are important, but this only addresses the “supply” side of the equation. We must also tackle our insatiable “demand” for energy. Thanks to my Piranha Doctrine foreign policy, America’s military will be freed up to go after America’s worst energy demand scofflaws — the celebrity asshole community. Under my administration the Joint Chiefs of Staff will be directed to treat as hostile all private jets flying into Los Angeles airspace, backed up with coordinated pinpoint bombing of mansions and Priuses within the Malibu triangle. Not only will this reduce prices at the pump, it will increase the supply of much needed scrap metal and lumber.
The Environment
As a son of America’s rural heartland, the environment is important to me. Like Teddy Roosevelt, America’s first “conservation president,” I am committed to returning thousands of square miles of ugly American urban development back to its pristine natural state. Much of this will be a direct result of the “Malibu Surge,” but other environmental initiatives will help. For example, I will direct the Interior Department to establish wild man-eating cougar preserves in Berkeley CA, Boulder CO, Madison WI, and Park Slope, Brooklyn.
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